STANDARD PAKISTANI RESPONSE TEMPLATE

Dear Prime Minister Manmohan Singh/Atal Bihari Vajpayee/Narasimha Rao /Rajiv Gandhi,



Pakistan strongly condemns / is shocked by / is pleasantly surprised with the success of our "freedom fighters"in the loss of dozens / hundreds / thousands / millions of innocent lives in the bomb blasts / sniper attack / hijacking / religious riots/other disaster that occurred in a busy marketplace/ train /housing colony / Indian parliament building / an upper-class hotel / templein Mumbai / Delhi / Kashmir / Assam/ Punjab /Gujarat / Other.

The Pakistani citizens / soldiers / "freedom fighters" /"friendship agents" / studentswho were caught red-handed /found dead at the scene of the crime / convicted of the crime are actually undercover Indian / American / Israeli agents. Any Pakistanis proven to be guilty of terrorism will be rewarded handsomely / dealt with severely / promoted to Lt. Colonel /given a new Indian passport and sent back to India / handed over to the Americans as proof of our commitment in the war on terror.

There are no Pakistani army-funded training camps / terrorist camps / madrasaas in Azad Kashmir / Afghanistan/ Nepal /Bangladesh. The satellite images / photographs / eyewitness accounts/ videotaped confessions obtained by the Indians is fraudulent/ fake / inconclusive / are actually from Indian terrorist camps and part of a larger RAW / CIAconspiracy to destabilize the Pakistani government by stalling democracy / encouraging sectarian violence / undermining Pakistani institutions / causing the next military coup in Pakistan. A destabilized Pakistani government / mafiacould cause Pakistan to become a dangerous nuclear WalMart / Target/ Seven-Eleven and a terrorist breeding ground / university/ research lab that would be worse for the world.

We hope this will not derail the peace process started with the recent India-Pakistan cricket series / Lahore bus yatra /Muzafarabad- Srinagar road opening/ Bollywood peace concert/ open borders initiative / other confidence-building measures. We look forward to justifying further attacks against innocent civilians / resolving the core issue of Kashmir / developing best-of-breed plausible deniability defenses.

We stand by / are plotting against our Indian brethren in their hour / days / years / decadesof pain.

Signed,

Asif Ali Zardari
President, Pakistan / Chief Operating Officer, Taliban Inc. /General, Pakistani Army